Did I over-react?

Maybe? But it might not be what it looks like on the surface...

What happened?

Maybe somebody forgot to call, or did something you asked them not to. Perhaps you felt accused of doing something that you hadn't done or that your intent or words have been misconstrued or taken out of context. Whatever it is, it's time to take a step back and get some space.

Figure out how you are feeling.

This can be more difficult than it sounds. Take a moment to really listen to your body, look for where your feelings are. Perhaps they are stuck in your chest and throat, the feeling might be tight, heavy. Maybe your eyes are itchy and sore or your neck is feeling stiff. Maybe you feel sick or exhausted. This is all important information to gauge.

Often times our emotions manifest physically in our bodies and when we can get a sense of what is going on somatically we can better understand how we feel emotionally. This is known as a bottom-up approach. Start with the body and then move on to the head.

Sometimes our emotions are layered and complex, for example anger makes a fantastic defence against fear/sadness/vulnerability/hurt... alternatively, if you grew up without any examples of safe and healthy anger, this might become quickly suppressed and internalised so is difficult to acknowledge and work through on your own. Take a moment, to think about what the emotion you are experiencing in the moment is, use the information from your body and try to gauge if there might be more going on below this initial emotional response.

What is the context?

No reaction exists in a vacuum. What was happening before the event you reacted to? Has this happened before? Did this tap into something else? Is your reaction even related to the event?

If you are feeling tired and rundown, it is much harder to regulate your emotions. This might be a sign that you need some more support from others in your life, it is ok to ask for help, most people are willing to support you if you let them know that you need them. (Most people can't read minds and get caught up in their own stuff, so if they haven't noticed you struggling, it is unlikely to be because they don't care).

Let's communicate

Did this escalate into an argument? Don't worry, this is normal. If you've been able take a break from what happened and take the time to start understanding how you feel and why you might have responded in this way, it might be a good idea to think about how to communicate what you've learnt and encourage others to share their experience of what happened too.

Set up the conversation

Are you all ready to listen to each other and give the space required to begin the repair? It's important to set the expectations for the conversation first to make sure that all parties get the space they need to feel heard, there is likely to be hurt on more than one side.

Take turns. Ask not to be interrupted and to have the space to explain what you heard, what it felt like and what your experience was. Make sure that you let the others have this space too, listening isn't easy, especially when emotions are high, so this might take some time. Even if you disagree with the other persons perspective, try not to shut it down, the discussion is about explaining the experiences and feelings NOT about assigning blame.

Taking accountability

This isn't about blame, although there maybe apologies involved. This is an opportunity for everyone to recognise that they may have a part to play in what happened and to understand how best to support each other in the relationship moving forwards. Be explicit in naming the parts that you feel could have been handled better or differently, what will you do in the future and what would you like others to do to? Ask for others to be clear to in saying what support they need and what would help them to manage similar situations moving forwards.

At the end of the day, it might feel like a big reaction to something but it is important information about you and your relationships.

Remember, respect and safety is vital. If you feel unsafe to have this conversation with someone for whatever reason, this feeling is should be respected. Not all abuse is physical and can happen to anyone.

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

0808 2000 247